


I will catch you when you fall

by sugarandspace



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:35:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23379964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugarandspace/pseuds/sugarandspace
Summary: A mission gone wrong results in Alec going back to old coping mechanisms.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 20
Kudos: 176





	I will catch you when you fall

**Author's Note:**

> Another fic written after a prompt! This time the prompt was:
> 
> Could you write a fic where Alec is hurting himself (training too hard) bc he feels guilty over a mission that went wrong and Magnus is there to provide love and comfort?

Magnus hears the telltale noise of fists hitting a punching bag before he rounds the corner to the training room. Just as Isabelle had told him, he finds his husband there alone, punching the bag like it has personally offended him.

Magnus stays back and lingers for a while, wondering what he should say. He doesn’t know the right words but he knows he can’t keep watching, especially as he notices that Alec hasn’t wrapped his hands and his fists are leaving wet smears to the dark punching bag. 

“Alexander,” he calls out softly, and he notices his husband's shoulders tense as he stops the punching. He’s breathing hard, still facing the punching bag but obviously aware of Magnus’ presence. Magnus walks closer until he’s standing next to the bag, facing Alec.

“Magnus,” Alec greets and turns so he’s facing Magnus instead of the bag. Magnus notices how his hands move behind his back, whether it is to hide the destruction in them or merely a preferred way to stand at the moment. For now, Magnus lets it slide and doesn’t mention it, instead he looks at Alec’s closed off expression and knows what he needs to ask.

“Can we go home?” He asks gently, knowing the Institute is not the place where he’ll get his husband to open up. This is not the place to show weakness or be vulnerable.

Alec’s eyes flick to the punching back, as if longing to keep doing what he did. It’s over quickly though, and his eyes return to Magnus and he nods slightly, still not letting the emotion behind the walls show.

Magnus gives him a slight smile, slightly out of place in a moment like this, but still needed as he’s trying to remind Alec that he’s not here to judge.

They portal home and Magnus can almost see some of the tension seep out of Alec.

Magnus guides him to sit down on the couch and Alec comes willingly, even letting Magnus hold his injured hands.

“What happened?” Magnus asks, looking Alec in the eyes. Or at least he tries to, but Alec’s eyes are cast down, aimed at their hands but not really looking at them.

“Isabelle told me you were on a mission together and it didn’t go well?” He prompts when Alec stays unresponding.

Alec looks away and tries to pull his hands away, but Magnus holds on tighter, mindful of his injuries.

“A Shadowhunter died,” Alec says quietly, and he stops pulling his hands away. He lets Magnus hold them but Magnus can tell they are tense. Magnus brushes his thumbs along the backs of his palms gently, avoiding the bruised and split knuckles. There’s nothing Magnus wants more than to heal them, but he knows it’s not the time for that yet.

Magnus takes in a deep breath. A loss of a life was always unfortunate and sad, but ever since Alec had taken the position as the head of the institute he had taken each loss harder than he used to. The Shadowhunters were his people, looked for him for orders and guidance, and Magnus knew Alec felt like he was responsible for them.

“I’m sorry,” Magnus offers, his tone genuine.

“It was my fault,” Alec says, as if arguing that he doesn’t deserve Magnus’ kindness.

“I’m sure it wasn’t,” Magnus says softly, and it’s the first time Alec’s eyes connect with his.

“You can’t say that,” Alec says, his tone angry. Now that Magnus can see his eyes properly he sees they’re brimmed with tears that he knows Alec doesn't want to let fall. “You weren’t there. You don’t know what happened. You can’t say it wasn’t my fault.”

“That’s true,” Magnus says, not taking Alec’s anger personally. Instead he stays calm and keeps his voice low. “But I know you. I know that you wouldn’t intentionally do anything that would put your fellow Shadowhunters in danger.”

“I should have been able to protect him,” Alec says. Magnus can see that he doesn’t have the energy to keep the fight on, and his chin falls to his chest as he keeps talking. Magnus is still holding his hands, so Alec tries to discreetly turn his head to his shoulder to wipe at his eye.

“I’m sure you did all you could,” Magnus comforts. “And you weren’t the only one there. Sometimes things like this happen even when people try their best. It’s awful, but it’s inevitable.”

Alec doesn’t say anything, just sniffles quietly and keeps looking at their hands. Magnus looks at them too, and notices that some of the blood has stained his own hands as well. It’s smallest of his worries though when he looks at the state Alec's hands are in. Alec must be in great pain and it makes Magnus’ heart ache to think that he wanted to keep going.

“You don’t deserve this,” Magnus says and lifts the hands a little to make sure Alec knows what he’s talking about. “You don’t need to punish yourself.”

“I’m sorry,” Alec says, his voice rough. 

“You don’t need to apologize to me,” Magnus is quick to say. “It hurts me to see this, yes, but I know you are hurting and this is how you’re used to dealing with the pain. I just hope that someday you will see that it’s not the only way."

“I know I should have come to you,” Alec says quietly.

“Why didn’t you?” Magnus asks. He makes sure to keep his tone curious rather than accusing. He knows it’s not easy, but he’d like to know if there were something he could say or do to help Alec come to him next time something like this happens.

“I know I promised to come to you when things get bad,” Alec says, reminding Magnus of the promise he made months ago. “But I guess I… I didn’t think this was so bad? I thought I would be able to deal with it on my own. I went to the training room to let out some steam, to work on my skills to make sure I’ll be better next time. Then I just… didn’t stop.”

Magnus hums.

“Can I heal these?” He asks and lifts the hands a little.

Alec gives him a small nod.

Healing blue magic gathers at Magnus’ hands and slowly covers Alec’s, covering all the cuts and bruises and cleaning the blood away as it goes. The tendrils of blue snake up to Alec’s wrists and arms, where there aren’t visible injuries but that must still be aching.

“Are you hurt anywhere else?” Magnus asks, knowing that the mission might have left its own injuries.

“No,” Alec answers and Magnus looks him in the eyes, the look in his eyes questioning. 

“I’m not,” Alec repeats, not at all offended that Magnus might doubt his reply.

“Okay,” Magnus says and stops the flow of magic, letting go of Alec’s hands for the first time since they sat down. He brings one of his hands to Alec’s cheek and searches his eyes. They no longer threaten tears but there’s bone-deep exhaustion reflected in them. Magnus keeps eye contact as he speaks, wanting to make sure Alec hears each and every word.

“I know you’re used to hiding these kinds of things and keeping them to yourself,” he says gently. “And I know it’s not easy to overcome. But I want you to know that no worry or problem is too small that you can’t talk to me about it. Whatever it is that’s bothering you, I want to hear it. I want to help if you let me. I don’t want you to feel like you need to survive on your own. I’m here, for whatever you need.”

Alec closes his eyes and leans into Magnus’ palm, his healed hand coming up to hold Magnus’ wrist. He turns his head enough to leave a small kiss to Magnus’ palm and Magnus feels him exhale.

“I’ll try,” Alec says as he opens his eyes and looks at Magnus. Magnus smiles at him.

“That’s all I ask.”

Magnus knows he needs to be patient, and he knows that baring your weaknesses to someone else isn’t easy. He himself is centuries old and he hasn’t quite learned that yet. But when someone is willing to try, that’s when the hardest part is over. That’s the first step towards leaving the harmful ways to the past.

And Magnus is ready to be by Alec’s side every step on the way, even if he stumbles.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! If anyone else wants to leave me a prompt I have [tumblr](https://sugarandspace.tumblr.com) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/sugarandspace_) or you can leave a comment below! :)


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